the grand design.
So, I have a lot on my mind. I am in absolutely no mood to get any schoolwork done and I feel as though writing is what I am being called to do in this moment. With that being said, these past few weeks have been hard. Really hard. School is fine, but in every other realm of my life, I feel pretty low. I just texted my dad these words: I feel like I am being dragged through hell. That's probably an exaggeration on my part (runs in the family), yet I feel the need to say it. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. One day, I wake with this renewing sense of joy and happiness and am glad to look at every situation that comes my way with a good and positive attitude. Other days, I become the victim of fear and dress myself with doubt and shame.
The big question running through my mind is this: how can I trust God when it seems like everything in my world is falling apart? We make it seem hunky dory easy-peasy to follow Jesus when our lives are put together nicely like the pieces of a puzzle. But then someone or something happens and that puzzle is thrown against a wall and you find yourself in a very dark place. Not actually dark, although sometimes darkness is good, but a place where there doesn't seem to be any light. Or anything good for that matter. I know there is good, but my heart is just not in a place to see it.
I am having such a hard time following Jesus right now. Not hard in that I don't want to, because I can say that I honestly do want to follow him. But I find it hard to believe that there is something better out there than what I am going through right now. I feel robbed of joy, and it is the most confusing thing to believe that God is taking these broken pieces and putting them back together. However, I can say with faith that I know that my Father knows me. He knows every thought and all of my pain. He has so much more in store. This is where my patience comes in, and he tries it so immensely. I don't want to wait for the good. I don't want to wait to see how this amazing story unfolds. I want it now...but that isn't what is supposed to be going on right now. If I knew how my entire life were to unfold, what would be the point of living?
Moving forward, I know there is a lot that I can turn to right now. Frankly, I've been watching a lot of Netflix. That doesn't cure a broken heart or a sick soul. What does heal is time with the Lord. Every time I encounter Him, I feel renewed, afresh and filled with joy once again. I know if I continue down that path it is only a matter of time before God starts to work in new and mysterious ways. Heck, he's already moving. I just can't see it.
Lastly, I want to reflect on my upcoming baptism. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready. Other times, I am more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life. I am nervous, worried, happy, and looking forward to it all in one bundle of human. I am worried, "Am I making the right decision?". I am nervous, "What will others think of me?". I am happy, "I need to make this statement". I am looking forward to it, "This is giving my Father joy". It is okay to be worried and nervous, as long as we choose faith over fear. As long as we know and have a hope that God will bring us through trials. Giving up full control to Him is the hardest thing to do - I don't like the idea of not knowing what is coming. Again, what He has in store for me is far greater than anything I could EVER comprehend. He IS limitless. I just won't know that greatness until it happens. And I guess that is okay.
With my baptism, I will post my notes on here once I return home from church. I am amped that God is moving in my life, even if I don't know exactly how right now. Prayers are appreciated, and if you want to attend and be there for support, it's at 9:30 am at Mission Creek Alliance in Kelowna.
With that, I leave you with John 16:12: "I still have many things to tell you, but you can't handle them now. But when the Friend comes, the Spirit of the Truth, he will take you by the hand and guide you into all the truth there is. He won't draw attention to himself, but will make sense out of what is about to happen and, indeed, out of all that I have done and said". Although this is Jesus talking to His disciples, I think it is extremely applicable right now. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but it will.
If you want to know about these trials and the craziness of September, come talk to me. I'd love to drink a PSL with you (basic white girl :P) and get to know your heart.